Church Joiner's Lament

When I set out to look for a church to belong to,
I have to find a church that believes exactly as I do;
Not fundamental, not evangelical, not judgmental,
Whose God loves me for who and what I am.

When I go through the door of a church I'm shopping,
I expect everyone to smile and greet me,
To rush up and make a big fuss over me
For deigning to consider their church as one I might join.

When I join a church, I bring life's baggage with me.
I will dump all my burdens on the pastor and the congregation.
They will have to give me the resources to cope with
My problems, and put things right in my life.

Every thing I need to know about the theology of my church
Will be carefully taught in the sermons of the clergy.
So there is no need to waste time reading stuff or
Meeting with a group of sanctimonious bible thumpers.

I tried to serve with some people in church activities,
When I noticed that they group together in insider cliques.
They are willing to have me do the scut work,
But they wall me off from their social friendships.

Then comes the appeal for money, known as "stewardship":
Money for expenses, money for buildings, money for missions.
The whole operation seems to be a money-grubbing machine.
I think they all sniff at the little bit I contribute.

So I keep going to this church half-heartedly.
It would be too much trouble to join another.
After all, they are sort of like my family:
Impossible to love, impossible to do without.